


The Toxic Thoughts of an Overachiever

by peace_will_win_and_fear_will_lose



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, As Is Space Dad, Blaytz Is Kinda OOC, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Have you realized that I like hugs yet?, Homesick Lance (Voltron), Hugs all around, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Kinda, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance (Voltron)-centric, Lance Needs a Hug, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Tags will be updated as needed, idk - Freeform, reference the notes at the beginning of each chapter for tws, the tags will be updated, vent fic basically
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2019-02-11 12:34:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 5,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12935379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peace_will_win_and_fear_will_lose/pseuds/peace_will_win_and_fear_will_lose
Summary: Lance misses home. He misses the sun the rain, the warmth of the sand on Veraderra Beach. Mostly, he misses his sister and his mom.He also misses the feeling of being needed. When he was still on earth with his family, he would help take care of his younger siblings.akaI suck at summaries and it's basically just the fic that shows just how much Lance needs a hug.





	1. A Sleepless Night of Memories

**Author's Note:**

> This is set when Lance is still piloting Blue and Shiro's still there. The real Shiro, I mean. Not whoever the heck is in season 3-4.  
> Isa is a year younger than Lance so at this point [not in the flashback] she's 16.  
> I loved the idea of the mind-melding devices in season one and am sad they're not cannon anymore, so they're cannon in this.  
> I also loved the "phones" in season 3 so they're here too.  
> Ok I think that's it.  
> Enjoy.

    Lance sighed as he turned over onto his back. It was the middle of the castle's "night," and he couldn't sleep. He stretched a hand up toward the ceiling, picturing the glow-in-the-dark stars he had stuck to his ceiling of his bedroom at home. He remembered how excited he was when he had received two whole packs of them from his parents for his birthday. After sticking the contents of one of the packs onto his ceiling, he had put the other pack of stars on his sister Isa's ceiling. She loved space as much as he had. They used to spend whole nights up on the hill behind the McLain house. Isa was the one who encouraged him to apply to the Galaxy Garrison.

\-------

_"Lance, this is your chance. This is your opportunity to finally make your dream come true! Make our dream come true!" she had said._

_"B-but I don't want to leave you," he had replied. She had just looked at him with a sad smile._

_"I know that I'll never get the chance to discover the wonders of space, but you can, and, once you do, you can tell me all about it."_

_"Isa... I-I..." Lance had taken a deep breath before standing straighter. "I'll do it for you. I'll make you and mama proud." Isa had smiled and held her arms out. Her brother had immediately bent down and hugged her. A month later, he was flying to America to go to the place that would allow him to explore the sky of his dreams._

\-------

     Lance groaned and rubbed his eyes, tears pricking at the edge of his eyes. He rolled to a sitting position and grabbed the device the paladins used as phones. Pidge had rigged the equipment they used for mind-melding exercises to transfer memories to their phones as pictures or videos. Lance opened the file on the phone of pictures of his family. He swiped at the tears threatening to spill down his cheeks as he stared at the smiling faces of his beloved family.

"I'm sorry," he whispered quietly, letting the phone slip from his hands as he finally let the tears fall. He hated how weak he was, sobbing over his family who were a whole lot safer and happier than he was.

_Hunk and Pidge have never broken down or even shown that they miss home all that much, so why are you being a big baby about it?_

     Lance shook his head and scooted back on his bed to lean against the wall, just staring across the room. He knew he wasn't getting any sleep that night, so he decided to get up. He wandered the subtly lit hallways, ultimately ending up at the entrance to Blue's hangar. With a sigh of resignation, Lance pressed his hand to the panel next to the door as the door slid open. He walked slowly into the room, hands shoved deep into his pockets. As he walked up to the large sentient lion, Blue's particle barrier faded as she bent down and opened her jaw for him to enter. Lance patted her leg as he stepped onto the metal of her jaw. He made his way to the pilot's seat and sat down, curling into himself. 

     Blue felt his bad mood, and sent waves of reassurance and love to him through their mental bond. Lance smiled faintly and patted the armrest.

"Thanks, girl." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know when I'm going to post the next chapter, but it will most likely be in the next few days or so. Oh and the title of the fic is from Faith Marie's song "Toxic Thoughts" which also majorly inspired this fic.


	2. Focusing On Training Is Hard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter is the Nightcore version of Irreplaceable by Madilyn Paige. I feel like this song really relates to my headcannon of Lance and even myself. [yes, I relate to Lance McClain in almost every way but physical and I also don't flirt lol. Nor do I pilot a large robotic sentient lion in outer space while fighting aliens...]

     Lance sighed as he looked at the clock on Blue's display. He had missed breakfast while he had been caught up talking to Blue. Blue sent an urging purr in his mind. 

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Thanks, Blue," he said, getting up from the pilot's chair. He headed out of the hangar and towards the training deck where Shiro would most likely be getting the others together for another training session. As soon as he stepped into the room, he knew that it was going to be a long day. The other Paladins were all already there, all clad in their respective armor. 

_Uh-oh._

"'Bout time," Keith scoffed, looking away. Pidge rolled her eyes, and Shiro's expression hardened. 

"Lance, where have you been?" he demanded. Lance tensed. 

"I-uh-sorry, I overslept," he supplied, giving the team a sheepish grin, insecurities being tucked deep inside as always. Shiro sighed.

"This is the fourth time this week you've been late for things, Lance. Stop lounging around and start doing what you're supposed to." Lance nodded. "Now, go change. We're working on hand-to-hand combat today." Lance mock saluted with a grin plastered on his face. He headed back out of the training deck and to his room. He quickly changed into his armor before turning towards the mirror.

He frowned at his appearance. His skin was dry and paler than usual, and there were bags under his eyes, signifying the insomnia he had been struggling with ever since he had first boarded the blue lion. 

"Pathetic," he spat out at the boy looking back at him. He scoffed and turned away, making his way back to the team. 

\-------

     Lance hated training. Especially today. He had never really done well with fighting in general, but hand-to-hand combat was the worst. He never ducked at the right time or blocked the right way and always ended up getting thrown to the ground or into one of his teammates. No matter how many times Shiro would try to help him, he just couldn't get it. It didn't help when the others, especially Keith, would call him out on every mistake he made. Even Hunk had been excelling at it, but Lance was still barely mediocre. 

     Finally, Shiro said, "Alright, guys, let's take a break with a mind melding exercise." Lance sighed, shoulders slumped as his bayard dematerialized.

_Thank Zeus._

     The team all sat down in a circle and each put on one of the devices. 

"Alright, let's start with the basics. Picture your lion joining the other four to form Voltron," Shiro said closing his eyes. Lance took a deep breath and closed his eyes, a small genuine smile playing on his lips. The mind melding exercise had always been his favorite training exercise. It was relaxing in a way, having him calm for a little. His ADHD didn't usually allow him to be relaxed for any amount of time, but something about the exercise calmed his mind. 

     The exercise was going well, the Paladins being able to mentally form Voltron and activate the different bayard special abilities, such as the sword. They had been in the process of trying different fighting stances when Lance's lion started to fade.

"Lance, focus," Keith hissed. Lance clenched his eyes shut and put all of his thought into keeping his lion stabilized. Suddenly, the blue lion was replaced with an image of Isa and him looking at the stars. 

_No, wait, not now!_

    The mental projection of Voltron fell apart. Everyone turned to focus on Lance with various disappointed and annoyed looks. 

"Lance, you can't lose focus like that," Shiro scolded him. Lance nodded and said, "Yeah, sorry, Shiro. Won't happen again!" Lance flashed him a grin that was so fake it hurt. Shiro's expression hardened. 

"Do you know what would have happened if that were an actual mission? You could have gotten us and a lot of innocent people killed because you weren't focused." Lance stood up, façade shattered. His expression was fiery anger. 

"I get it! Ok? I'm not stupid; I know what's at stake! I get that I'm a weak link, so stop throwing it into my face!" With that, he spun and ran out of the training deck.

\-------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how often I will post on this, but probably not too infrequently. If I don't post for a while, just yell at me until I do ;P  
> If you guys have any fics you would like to request, let me know and I'll do my best :)


	3. A Paladin Of Old

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tbh I'm still obsessed with Irreplaceable by Madilyn Paige, so that's the song for the chapter again. GO LISTEN TO IT RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW. [narrows eyes] I'm watching you. Ok, never mind, that sounded stalkerish. Just go give it a listen.
> 
> So, I actually changed songs in the middle of writing, so the other song was the Nightcore version of Try by Colbie Caillat. It also is really good and kinda relates to this?? Sorta??? Idk. Probably not but oh well. 
> 
> Let me know if y'all have any music suggestions 'cause i'm always looking for new songs to obsess over :P

Lance squeezed his legs closer to his chest as sobs wracked his body. Blue tried to send loving and reassuring waves through Lance's mind, but he mentally pushed her away. 

"W-why do I al-always f-fail?" he hiccupped. He shook his head and buried his head in his knees again. Suddenly, he felt a and rest on his shoulder. He looked up to see an unfamiliar figure kneeling before him. Lance jumped to his feet and summoned his bayard, aiming it at the person's head. 

"Wh-who are you?" he said. The intruder slowly stood up and said, "My name's Blaytz, and I was the pilot of this beautiful ol' girl before you were even born." Lance narrowed his eyes and loosened his grip on his rifle a bit.

"How do I know you aren't lying?" Blaytz grinned and said, "Do you really think Blue here would let me be in here otherwise?" As if confirming that, Blue purred. Lance's eyes widened as he dematerialized his bayard. 

"H-how are you here? Aren't you, ya' know, dead?" Blaytz laughed and said, "Oh, I'm not actually here. I'm more or less a ghost of the past, hanging around an old friend." Blue grumbled in both of their minds. "Oh, come on, you're at least 10,000 years old, girl." Lance was still a bit confused. He shook his head and sat down again. Blaytz sat against the wall next to the teen. 

"Why are you only showing up now?" he finally asked, looking at his predecessor. The man looked back at him and replied, "Because I know how you feel. I know how it is to be excluded from the team-or rather, exclude yourself. I came here to try to help you understand." 

"Understand what?" 

"How much do you trust Blue?" Lance was puzzled by the question. 

"I trust her with my life," he finally said. "Why?"

"Do you think she would let just any regular person pilot her?" 

"Well, no, I guess not," Lance admitted, kinda seeing where Blaytz was going with this.

"Then why do you think you're a failure?" Lance shrugged. Blaytz gave him a sympathetic smile. "Lance, Blue cares about you. A lot. You two have a bond stronger than I've ever seen before, and with Blue, that's a bond that can never be broken-no matter how many times you might make a mistake. So don't tear yourself down, because you have no reason to." The man stood up and gave Lance a smile. Lance looked up at him with a confused look on his face.

"How'd you know my name?" Blaytz just grinned and said, "Take care of her, ok? And take care of yourself, kid. You owe that to me for pointing a blaster at my head." At that, the cockpit was filled with light, causing Lance to cover his eyes. When he finally looked up, Blaytz was gone. 

"What the heck-" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blaytz is my favorite original paladin so I had to put him in here. I didn't originally plan to, but he just kinda wrote himself. So thanks, Blaytz :P  
> Anyway, again, if you have any fic suggestions, let me know and I'll do my best.  
> Also, constructive criticism is always appreciated!


	4. Outside The Saftey Of Blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's back! hi! I've gotten a bit of inspiration so let's do this before i go die lol.

     Pidge rolled her eyes as Hunk paced in front of her.

"What if he's hurt? O-or what if he leaves? Maybe I should go find him..." the teen made as to go out the door, but Shiro caught his arm.

"Give him some time, Hunk. He's probably just having a bad day." Hunk took a deep breath and nodded.

"Yeah, yeah, you're probably right." Shiro and Pidge exchanged a look. "B-but what if-"

"HUNK."

\-------

     Keith dodged another sword swipe from the training gladiator. He was just about to do a counter-attack that would most likely win him the match, when the doors to the room opened, distracting him. The distraction earned him a hit to the stomach that sent him and his bayard sprawling. 

"End training sequence," he said, staying hunched over for a moment, allowing himself to catch his breath. He finally stood up and turned to see who the intruder was.

"Hey, sorry, didn't mean to mess you up," Lance said. "You ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. The training deck's all yours," Keith replied heading to the doors. 

"Actually, I-uh-well, do you know where the others are?" Keith turned back for a moment before saying, "They're probably in the lounge, although Hunk might be looking for you." With that, he strode out of the room. Lance groaned and threw his arms up in exasperation.

_What'd I do to tick him off?_

\-------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's so short, but my brain hurts so this is it for rn. sorry. next part should be up next week some time.


	5. The Disappointing Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello.  
> so.  
> i'm alive. hi. sorry again for how long this chapter took. this is completely unedited, and basically I just wrote it and posted it. otherwise, it most likely would have been deleted.  
> anyway, I hope it's not too bad.

     Lance hesitated at the door to the lounge. He wanted to go in, to see his friends, but he also wanted to run back to the comfort of Blue and curl into a ball. Blue, sensing his inner turmoil, filled his mind with support and reassurance. 

With a small sigh, Lance finally stepped forward. The door slid open, and he walked in as the three other occupants of the room stood up. 

"Lance!" Hunk yelled, running over to squeeze the life out of his friend. Hug. I mean hug. 

"Hey, buddy," Lance wheezed, patting the larger teen's back. 

"Well, don't suffocate him," Pidge said with a snicker as she came over to join the two. Hunk stepped back apologetically, looking Lance over to make sure he was alright. 

"Are you ok?" he asked. Lance slipped his over exaggerated smile back on and said, "Yeah, of course! Sorry for earlier. I didn't sleep that well last night." Hunk nodded sympathetically. 

"Are you sure that that was all it was?" Shiro asked in his "concerned dad voice" as he walked over to join the Garrison trio. Lance's smile slipped for a moment.

 

_No, no, no, don't let them see._

     Cheery grin back in place, Lance replied, "Yeah, of course! Sorry again, Shiro. It won't happen again, I promise." Shiro raised an eyebrow but said, "Alright. Well, I'll be on the bridge if any of you need me." They moved to the side so Shiro could leave the room. 

"So, what's for dinner?" Lance asked, hoping to draw the conversation away from himself. He relaxed as Hunk talked on about how he and Pidge had found new alien plants that were similar to earth's green beans. 

\-------

     The night went on, and Lance's mask was slowly slipping. He was tired of putting on such a show to make up for the earlier slip-up. It was getting harder to brush off every sarcastic comment and snide remark from the others. Thankfully, Keith didn't seem in the mood for their usual bickering, so Lance didn't have to worry about that so much. It was only mid-evening castle time, but Lance excused himself, saying that he was just tired. The others had dismissed him without a second thought. He supposed that that was a good thing, but it made him feel even worse. 

      He was more than relieved when he reached the door to his room. He stumbled into the room and immediately fell face-down onto his bed. With a groan, he eventually dragged himself up and sulked over to the bathroom, mindlessly going through his nighttime routine. He started putting on his usual face mask, but stopped, just staring into his mirror's counterpart's eyes. He hated how dull they'd seem to have gotten lately. Well, they did say the eyes were the windows to the soul, and, well, if they reflected how his soul felt at the moment, then he supposed it was quite accurate. 

     Lance washed of his hands from the face mask, combed half-heartedly through his brown hair, and changed into the Altean pajamas provided by Coran on the first night of their indefinite stay. He hated them. It's not that they were particularly uncomfortable or anything, but they weren't...  _right._ They weren't his. they didn't smell like his home in Cuba, or his mom's family-famous garlic knots, or the crashing salt-water waves of Veradera Beach.

_They're not home._

    Lance shook his head to ward off the thought of his home. Of earth in general.

_I'll get back there soon. I'll see them all soon._

    Lying down on his back, he stared at the vacant gray ceiling. With a sigh of sadness, he closed his eyes and curled up in the blankets.

\-------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fINALLY I FINISHED THE CHAPTER  
> I swear I have a destination for this.  
> yeah no I don't. we'll just have to see where this goes. I hope this was worth the super long wait lol. probably not, but oh well. bye for now [waves awkwardly]


	6. Home..?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance is... home..?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was bored and sad so this came to be. yay.  
> by the way, go listen to the Lightning Thief soundtrack [the musical] because dANG.  
> also, i known we got names for lance's sibs [yay!!!], but i added sibs so oH WELL DEAL WITH IT.  
> here's the sibs- [not all of them are in here yet.]  
> Marco-23  
> Veronica-22  
> Isa-16  
> Sora and Luis [twins]-8

     Lance woke with a start, looking around confusedly. He knew where he was nearly immediately, but the impossibility made him shove the idea from his mind. 

     The brunette sat up and palmed his eyes, praying that the illusion of his home would be gone when he opened his eyes. Seeing the world around him that had remained the same, he bolted out of bed and, panicked, ran his hand through his hair. He remained frozen in his place, staring around the room, brain not comprehending what his eyes were taking in.

     Suddenly, heavy footsteps sounded from outside the room before the door was yanked open, revealing the woman who meant the most to him in his life. 

"Lance! Come on, you're going to be late for school!" 

"M-mama?" Lance's mother paused and said, "Are you alright, hun? You're as pale as a ghost! And for you, that's nearly impossible."

_Not as impossible as you'd think.._

      Lance tried to force words out of his slackened mouth, but all he managed was, "Uh..." His mother looked at him concernedly and pressed an exposed wrist to his forehead.

"Hm. Well, no fever. Why don't you sit down?" She helped him to sit on his bed, rubbing his back gently. 

"This can't be real," Lance muttered, mind reeling. 

"Lan?" He slowly looked up to see his youngest sister, Sora, in his doorway. She still had trouble with  _ce'_ s, so she had resorted to calling him by the nickname.

     His eyes widened at the dearly missed sight of his beloved Sora. His vision blurred, as tears poured out. Sora, sweetheart to the core, rushed forward and threw herself at her brother, wrapping her short arms around him as best she could. He choked out a sob and squeezed her tightly.

_I'm so sorry. I'm never leaving you again. I promise._

_\-------_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't read this back so i have no idea what i wrote, but hopefully it was alright. ok bye


	7. Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this just shows that i cannot write Coran to save my life. iM SORRY SPACE UNCLE
> 
>  
> 
> AND ANDRE ISNT HERE  
> [im sorry, i'm listening to the prologue to Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was heartbreaking to write. also, im sorry i can't write coran well,,, im sorry,,, ;-;  
> also again it's 2342 [11:42] here so im out of if since i pulled an all nighter last night so again i'm sorry

     Coran was walking through the various hallways in the Castle, restless that night. He found himself walking down the hallway that housed the Paladins' respective rooms, when he heard quite unusual sounds coming from a certain Blue Paladin's room.

     Puzzled, the Altean knocked softly on the door and said, "Lance? Are you alright in there?" He waited for a moment, but there was no response, and the noise continued. Starting to get concerned, Coran called out a bit louder, "Alright, if you don't answer, I'm going to have to come in there, lad." 

     Still no response. 

     With a sigh and slight head shake, Coran pressed a hand to the pad on the right of the door. The door slid open, allowing the light from the hallway to filter into the small room. Coran stepped into the room and, as the door slid closed behind him, he called to the Castle's computer, "Lights, fifty-percent."

     Coran's expectations for the teen to be messing about somehow we're completely and utterly shattered as he watched the boy sob and grasp the blankets so tightly he feared they might tear. The Altean started forward and, accustomed to rousing Allura from her nightmares, softly said the teen's name, hoping to wake him without needing further action.

     Lance grew quiet for a moment, movements stilled. Coran called his name again, but this time, Lance gasped and called for, Coran assumed, someone named 'Sora.' He continued to mutter broken phrases and apologizes. 

"Lance, wake up, lad," Coran said, louder this time. Lance's face showed puzzlement, as if wondering why someone was calling for him, but he remained asleep. Finally, Coran gripped the boy's shoulders and gently shook him until his bloodshot eyes flew open. Neither male moved for a moment, as Lance adjusted to the waking world. Eventually, he sat up and looked down, vacant eyes trained on the shadows. A finger tapped away absent mindedly on his leg. 

"May I?" Coran asked, gesturing towards the bed. Not looking up, Lance nodded. 

"Are you alright?" Lance shrugged in reply. 

"I'll be fine. Sorry." 

"What are you sorry for, my boy?" Coran replied. Lance shrugged again and looked up at the blank ceiling. 

"You had to come in and wake me up." 

"Well, I didn't  _have_ to." 

"You know what I mean. Anyway, I'm fine, so you don't have to babysit me." Lance sighed and fell back on his bed, arms spread out and legs still hanging off the side of the bed. Coran, not knowing what else to do, patted the boy's shoulder before leaving the room. He headed back to his own room, making a mental note to mention Lance's nightmare to Allura.

\-------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp it's now 16 minutes after midnight. i need coffee.  
> anyway,,, imma begin the next chapter now, so it shouldn't be long. i mean, im just surprised that i posted two chapters two days in a row like woah. who are you and what did you do with rory. idk. imma go now.
> 
>  
> 
> yeah so i'm bored. 
> 
>  
> 
> you can't escape me.
> 
>  
> 
> why do you even put up with this.
> 
>  
> 
> wait that should've been a question mark.
> 
>  
> 
> oh well.
> 
>  
> 
> sleep well, peeps.


	8. Back to Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance deals with his thoughts in his own way. Spoiler, it's not good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -TRIGGER WARNING- self harm in the form of cutting, suicidal thoughts, and stuff like that. Please do not read this if you are truly triggered [in the non Tumblr version of that word] by any of those. The story will still make sense if you skip that part or even the entirety of this chapter.
> 
> So. Hello. I know that I said that this chapter would be out a while ago, but there was a lot that got in the way of that. If you'd rather not know our could care less, than skip the rest of this note.  
> 1-So, I had surgery on Tuesday. Not a big thing, but still.  
> 2-Writer's block. Yay.  
> 3-This was honestly a really hard chapter for me to write. I suppose you'll understand this once you read the chapter. So yeah.  
> Sorry.  
> -edit-  
> yeah so i realize i had him going into the bathroom twice [thats what i get for not proofreading it] so i edited it a bit fyi.

_A dream. Just a freaking dream._

    Lance sat up and leans down over his legs, rubbing his eyes. With a sigh, he pushed himself up and walked over to the bathroom. He turned on the faucet and splashed water on his face, trying to shake off the dream. 

_She was right there..._

     Lance shook his head, trying to remove the thought from his mind, but the damage was done. Tears spilled from his eyes as his chest tightened, threatening to suffocate him. Falling to his knees, he cried out in anguish, the river of tears now an unleashed torrent of pain.

 "Take me back!" he yelled, begging any entity that could possibly be listening. Folding into himself, he dug his fingernails into his scalp, pulling at his hair. He screamed and cried until his throat became raw and he was too dehydrated to cry anymore. Without any will to do anything different, he was left lying on the floor muttering, "Take me back. Please, take me back. Please. Just-Please. I'll do anything. Please!" He curled into himself, sobbing tear-less.

     An hour had passed since Lance had first been awoken and he was even worse off at this point then he was then. 

_You abandoned them._

"No, " he cried silently.

_They think you're dead._

     Lance clenched his eyes shut and pulled at his hair.

_You left them. You hurt them while being all comfortable in this blasted castle and not giving their well being a second thought._

     Lance dug his fingernails into his arms, begging for the pain to distract his mind. It wasn't enough. He needed something more. Shakily pulling himself to his feet, he messily searched the cabinets and containers until he found his targeted item. Desperate for a distraction, for a vent for his swirling thoughts, he pressed the razor into his skin and dragged it across his arm. He winced and watched as the blood trailed from the new wound. He continued cutting, unable to stop for fear his mind would overwhelm him again tenfold. 

      In the back corner of his mind, Lance vaguely acknowledged Blue calling out to him through pure emotion, begging him to stop. Bowing his head, he stopped, finally realizing what he had done. He lowered his hand from his now bloody arm.

 "I'm sorry," he whispered, letting the razor slip from his grasp. Back against the wall, he slid to the floor, letting his chin rest on his chest as the pain from his arm minuetly faded. He slowly looked up to see the sleeping aid Coran had given him before.

_Take them all. You'll be back with your family-you'll be home!_

     He shook his head, letting his head fall back to his chest. 

_It's not like the others would care. You just slow them down._

     Lance remained motionless.

_You know I'm right._

      He bit his lip, begging the thoughts to go away.

_End it. End it, Lance. You won't ever have to deal with the disappointment of your teammates or the homesickness._

     He looked back up at the pill bottle. Slowly, he reached for it, ready to give in. Suddenly, his head was filled with such an intense sensation that he cried out and clutched his head. Blue hummed apologetically. When Lance finally was able to think coherently once again, the taunting voice had faded, replaced with Blue's reassuring purring. Hanging his head, he murmurred, "I'm sorry." Blue hummed dismissively in response. On still shaky limbs, he stood up and proceeded to stop the bleeding from his arm before cleaning the wounds and, after finding the supplies in one of the cabinets, bandaged the cuts. 

     After washing his face half-heartedly and grabbing his jacket, Lance headed to Blue's hangar, his only haven, it seemed, in the storm of his mind. 

     Blue, as always, welcomed him with open arms, well, jaw, anyway. She held on tightly to him, swearing to protect her precious Paladin no matter what.

\-------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of those times that I wish I had a Blue in my life.
> 
> If any of y'all are dealing with depression, any form of self harm, or anything like that at all, please, please, tell someone you trust. Heck, tell me, even. I'll listen and understand. Stay safe, guys. You all are beautiful and amazing people, so please don't you dare rid the world of your incredible self.
> 
> Anyway,, I honestly have no idea when the next chapter is going to come out. The next thing that I want to [and have begun working on] work on is chapter two of Voltron Lives On. So yeah. Ok bye.


	9. Back in the Lion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance spend some more time with Blue, and Allura comes to talk to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting might be a bit slow again because of crap in my life.

     It was a little after breakfast and when morning training was supposed to begin, and Lance had yet to step out of his lion since the immediate aftermath of his nightmare hours before the castle rose for the day.

     The other Paladins had begun to get quite frustrated, but Coran, after reminding them of the happenings of the day before, did his best to diffuse their frustrations. After breakfast, he had pulled Allura aside and explained to her what had happened that night. She expressed her concern and said that she would try to talk to him. 

     So there she was. After giving him some space, she decided to seek him out. After seeing his empty room, she had headed to the blue lion's hangar, and had found the lion sitting tall with the particle barrier up. 

"Lance? Are you in there?" she called. No response came to her. She sighed and continued, "Lance, Coran informed me of your... situation last night. I just wanted to tell you that if you ever need to talk about it, I am here." She waited for a moment before nodding to the lion. She had been about to turn away, when the lion's eyes lit up for a moment in acknowledgement.  Smiling back, she turned and walked out of the room.

\-------

     Lance watched as Allura walked out. Sighing, he squeezed his legs closer to his chest and rested his head on his knees. Blue hummed  quizzically in the back of his mind. 

 "I know, I know, I should talk to her. But it's not a big deal. It was just a nightmare," Lance said, absently picking at the end of his sleeve. Blue made a noise of disagreement. Lance sighed and leaned his head back against the seat.

 "What's wrong with me, Blue? I mean, why am I like this? This isn't normal, right?" Lance rubbed his eyes. "I just wanna go home." 

    Blue's heart cried for her boy. She wanted nothing but to make his wish true. Alas, it wasn't really something she could control. Besides, she knew that if she took him to see even just his galaxy, he would refuse to ever come back, and, even if he didn't realize it, the team needed him desperately. And not just because he piloted one of the lions. He kept the team going with his smiles, jokes, and encouraging support. Even Keith, though he would never admit it. 

     Lance sighed and said, "I guess I should go talk to Allura before she starts to worry. Can't have her beautiful smile disappear because of me!" He forced a smile before shaking his head and reluctantly got up, patting the pilot's seat as he headed out of the lion. 

\-------

     Blue watched as her Paladin left the hangar. She sent reassuring waves of pure emotion into his mind, letting him know that she understood, that she was on his side. She knew that there wasn't a whole lot she could do, being a giant robot lion and all, but she was there for as much as she could. And for him, she always would be.

\-------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mk bye  
> oh and please comment with any constructive criticism/grammar or spelling issues/any old comment. it always makes my day to see a comment from someone :)


	10. Homesick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allura and Lance have a bonding moment in the observatory.  
> \-------  
> 10th CHAPTER! :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's taken this long for this chapter. I have no excuse except for crappy mental health and my inability to write Allura. It probably doesn't help that she's my least favorite character. She has had barely any good character development and it ANNOYS ME SO MUCH.  
> also  
> 10 CHAPTERS!! WOOHOO!

     Allura turned in surprise as she heard her name called out behind her. Lance was walking towards her with a grin on his face. 

 "Hey, sorry about that," he said as he reached her. "I was working on something with Blue." She smiled and said, "Oh, of course. Why don't we talk on the way to the observatory." He nodded and followed her. 

 "As I assume you heard, Coran informed me of what happened last night." Lance nodded, not volunteering anything new.

 "So, I, of course, know his rendition of what happened, but would you mind telling me from your perspective?" Lance took a deep breath and shoved his hands into his pockets.

 "Well, I was pretty tired last night, so I went to bed early. I don't really remember anything from then on, so I guess I fell asleep. Next thing I know, Coran's shaking me awake." Allura looked at him skeptically, but didn't go to challenge him. 

"You are certain you do not remember anything else?" she inquired. Lance just shrugged before shaking his head. She sighed and continued, "Alright. Have you been having any trouble sleeping lately? I can have Coran rechrieve you some-"

"No, I'm fine, really. What about you?" 

"Oh, I'm quite alright. Thank you for asking," she said. Her tone suggested that she was really the opposite of alright, but Lance didn't want to push. They traveled in silence a moment before arriving at a large metal door. Allura pressed her hand to the pad to the right of the door, and the door slid open. 

"Woah," Lance breathed, eyes widening as he stepped into the room. 

     The walls and ceiling were all completely transparent, and the floor was a humongous ever-moving star map. 

"This is... incredible!" Lance exclaimed. Allura smiled and with a wave of her hand, the star map moved to be swirling all around them. Lance spun around and just marveled at the many galaxies and planets. 

"It's so... beautiful," he said softly, reaching a hand out to a lush green planet. He sighed as his arm dropped back to his side. 

"Lance? Are you alright?" Allura questioned. He didn't turn towards her, but instead asked,  "Can this show earth?" She opened her mouth to reply, but instead directed the map to project Milky Way Galaxy in front of Lance. He saw it and inhaled sharply, a hand stretching towards the familiar blue and green planet. The homesickness and pain all flowed back into view as tears formed in his eyes. He covered his face with his hands and sobbed. Allura's eyes widened as she rushed forward. 

     Lance tried to turn back away, but she quickly enveloped him in a hug. He cried into her shoulder as she spoke softly to him.

"I am so sorry, Lance. I know it hurts. You will see them again. I promise you, I will make certain of that."

\-------

     Lance drew back a little while later, completely embarrassed. 

"I'm sorry, Princess I-I-"

"No, Lance, please, don't apologize. I understand." She stepped back and looked around at the many planets and stars surrounding the two. "I, too, miss home." Lance's eyes lit up in realization. 

"Oh my gosh, I'm so...Here I am, being a baby about missing my home, when you don't even have one anymore. Allura, I am so sorry." Allura looked at him quizzically. 

"Don't be sorry; just because your home is still there waiting does not mean that your pain is not valid. Besides, I do have a home," she replied, spreading her arms to gesture at the rest of the room. "This castle, this team, Arus, they are all my home." She smiled softly at him. "And I hope that you can someday too consider them to be a home as well." He smiled back.

\-------

     The two stayed in the room for a little while longer, swapping stories and descriptions of their respective homes. Each left with a better understanding and respect of the other, having bonded and grown closer over their mutual homesickness. 

     For Allura, it may have only been another person to relate to, but for Lance, it was someone who finally understood his pain and accepted him for it. 

     In her hangar, Blue hummed in approval at the Altean princess's newfound friendship and sisterly love for the lion's Paladin. Blue prayed that from then on, Lance would continue to get better. 

\-------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so, you can read this however you would like, but I am writing them in a strictly platonic relationship. I see them as having a sort of sibling relationship, especially via bonding over missing home.  
> Also, as always, please leave a comment with any constructive criticism, grammar/spelling issues, or anything else.  
> This is, as usual, not proofread at all, so there may be quite a few problems.  
> Ok, thanks for reading, and see you next chapter!  
> oh and sorry for the crappy ending. i'm not good at them, oKAY??


End file.
